Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I used to have a job...

In my long term envisioned life plan - I was never going to be married by 30 and certainly not unemployed at 29. But here I am - 29 and a housewife. Then again - I thought I was going to be a single successful vegetarian lawyer with long princess hair on the fast track to becoming the next judge on the People's Court - so maybe life does turn out the way it is supposed to.

A double degree in Political Science and Art History gets you a nice career in corporate retail (Gap followed by RedEnvelope). A sh*t economy gets you a company that files for bankruptcy, that is then purchased by a major conglomerate, whose offices moved to San Diego, a sweet sweet severance package and no job in the worst time in history to be in retail.

Rather than mope I should set goals and blog about them. So here they are (in no particular order)...

1. read lots of books (1 a week) and post witty insightful comments on these books.

2. learn how to cook - for reals. I will make lots of delicious foods that involve real fresh ingredients and not just opening cans and swirling things around or using the telephone. I already make a fantastic 7 layer dip and delicious pigs in a blanket - I'm 1/2 way there.

3. learn to sew something besides sock monkeys and pillow covers. Document all my gorgeous creative projects on this blog and become the envy the crafting world.

4. learn to knit something besides hats and scarves. Document all my gorgeous creative projects on this blog and become the envy the crafting world and start a worldwide craze of my insanely brilliant creations and become Scrooge McDuck style rich. Yes - I want to swim in gold coins and wear no pants.

5. go to the gym 4-6 a week to become leaner, less wiggly and unnaturally bendy. Quantified goal is to lose 30 pounds and have one single taut chin.

6. control the paper and laundry gnomes that wreak havoc on my apartment. Never in the 5 years that I have lived here have all pieces of laundry been put away at once. I am a generally clean and organized person - yet create these insanity piles of mail, magazines, billing statements and paper recycling. Gnomes then take these piles - move them around the apartment and send more everyday in the mail. It needs to stop - there is a desk - there is a dresser - there are chairs (2 of them!) in the bedroom and I need to reclaim them.

7. take care of my husband (gag I know) and be a fantastic wife. Seriously - this is a forever thing and I found a fantastic hunk of a manfriend and I should to be sweet to him. He has a job - I don't - why not be a dutiful housewife and take care of him and the house and us? Why not even actually enjoy it? So yeah - I will be packing lunches with sweet notes and making dinner (part of goal #2 anyway) and pick up the drycleaning and blah blah etc etc. There will be no feet rubbing though - those things are like prehistoric 1/2 flying bird & 1/2 reptile claw feet.

8. find a job. Duh. Preferably a life altering dream job - something involving creating outfits for performing monkeys or reading online gossip and posting witty comments. Eventualy I'll settle for something in my field that pays more than my rent that doesn't require me to declaw cats or pluck chickens.

These are my goals and I'm sticking to them - at least until something shiny comes along and distracts me.

Tra for now -
B.L.E.

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